just write.

Just. start. writing. These are the words I keep hearing. So, here I am returning to the blog where I haven't written in years. And, I'm a puddle of tears. 

It's nothing fancy. Just simple. A special space that holds letters to my daughter, milestones and my heart as I walked through years of health trials. And a huge gap of time that I stopped writing. Seven years later, those health trials still flare up. And, quite frankly got really hard this winter. The Lord brought me back to this blog and is using my own writing and His truths from years ago to speak to me now. 

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

How comforting it is to know that we have a God who is in control, who is sovereign over everything, who pursues us, who meets us right where we are and who loves us with a never stopping, never giving up, un-breaking, always and forever love. 

When you think about that, I mean REALLY think about that, it makes you wonder why do we ever worry? Why do we feel the need to prove? To find our identity in something other than who He says we are - His beloved, to seek from people or things what we can only get from God? Do we truly know how loved we are and that we have everything we need in Jesus?

Honestly, I don't think I know how loved I am by God on a cellular level in my innermost being. Maybe on some level I think if He really loved me that much, would't he remove these health trials completely? 

I hate to even confess that. I kind of struggled typing the words. Really, how can I doubt His love for me? I think of my love as a parent to my kids. It is an un-breaking, always and forever love to the very depths of my heart and soul. I've never experienced anything like it and yet His love for us is so much more. There are things my kids go through that I know are painful or hard in their little toddler brains, but from my vantage point as a parent, I know it will refine or strengthen them. 

And then, there are bigger things that I wish I could take from them. But, I have watched how Jesus has used those things to produce character in them and a love for Himself. Yes, even in a five and two year-old. I watched the bravery and empathy that was produced in my Bella as she battled asthma. Recently, she saw my blood pressure monitor out and she asked "mom, how are you feeling? Can I pray for you?" and she did. Then, walked away singing a song about trusting Jesus. This girl's empathy, love and trust in Jesus is no joke and it's contagious. He uses all things! 

If I as a parent can see those things, how much more than can our Father in heaven see those things for us?

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

I might still have my "thorn" like Paul or my "limp" like Jacob, but it is that very thorn or limp that is showing me just how loved I am. 

I kid you not - as I am writing this, this song started playing:

"nobody loves me like you love me Jesus. I stand in awe of your amazing ways. I worship you as long as I am breathing. God you are faithful and true. Nobody loves me like you."

I think I will end here for now. I don't know the purpose of this blog - maybe a space for my kids someday to read my writing, maybe to encourage someone or maybe to turn into a book one day. But, what I do know is that "He uses all things for the good and purpose of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28) and He is using my trials to let me experience the depth of His love and share it with others through writing. 

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19

The fog.

We live up on a ridge where usually you can look out and see over the valley and to the city. I love looking out to open spaces. It makes me breathe deep. But, today all you can see over the valley is a thick layer of fog. 

As I was sitting here cozied up with my favorite blanket, an afternoon cup of coffee and reading from one of my favorite authors, I thought about how when we look to what’s next in our lives, it can feel like there’s a layer of fog. Like we can’t quite see where to go or what’s next. Do you ever find yourself asking God to show you the way and tell Him you trust him? But, by show me the way, you mean show me exactly where I’m going. Oh and then confirm for me that I’m going the right way. And, by confirm I mean make it really clear like speak through a burning bush. I can be so annoying. How about, even though I can’t see through the fog, I will trust you and follow you. I know you are there. Sounds much better in theory. I’m getting there. 

Today I’m sitting in the fog metaphorically and literally. Yesterday, I came out of a doctors appointment in tears. This appointment was to review results that would tell me if I have an adrenal tumor or not. The answer was not. And, while I’m thankful it’s not. My thanking Jesus didn’t last very long before a cord struck in me and I burst into tears wanting to know why and what to do. It all feels foggy. We have pieces of the puzzle but still don’t understand fully why I’ve had these health flare ups for 8 years that land me in the hospital. Most recently, unconscious for a few minutes. Through my tears, I ask the doctor “what’s next?” He goes on to suggest some more specialists I should see. If you have traveled down the road of health complications, you know how that feels. I could sense his frustration. I’m sure he could sense mine. He said he wished he knew what to do. From the moment I met this doctor, I knew he felt empathy and wanted to get to the bottom of this. I think we both felt a little defeated not having an answer. 

I wanted direction, a road map even, something to tell concerned family members. But, I just have to keep pressing on and trusting Jesus. A few minutes after leaving the office, I got a call that they wanted to run some more tests because he suspects something else.

More blood work, more specialists and more tests. But, here’s the thing I keep coming back to - my hope is not in the results, it’s in Jesus. So, while It feels defeating at times. There is no defeat because He has already won the victory. “In this world you WILL have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). 

you are so full of life

that's what one of the girls said about you tonight at community group as she watched you so joyfully splashing & swimming in the pool! it's so true! you bring so much life & energy everywhere you are! I always say you make me burst at the seams with joy! 

Daddy & I talked talked tonight about how amazed we are at how sweet you are, how incredibly smart you are & how happy you are! you are carrying on full on conversations & telling us when you want us to sit down with you, cuddle, take a bite etc. You're doing so well on your colors. You can almost count to 10. & you LOVE saying your abc's (you've reached all the way to f). You love to giggle! You'll even ask me to tickle you. "Tickle mommy tickle". You still like being chased. Especially before bath time when you're running all around naked. You're always so happy! Especially when you're outside and splashing in the water, around people or animals. well, pretty much all the time! 

you've really started showing the sweet side of your character. before bed the last few nights, you've given me a big hug and kiss then said "luv you mommy". you also ask daddy & I to cuddle. you are the sweetest 💛 

we love you baby girl & we are so amazed by the spirit Jesus is forming in you! 

Xoxo

words, words & more words!

hi baby girl, I'm not as good at this blogging stuff as I'd like to be. but, I keep thinking of all the fun changes that this season of toddlerhood (16 months) has brought so I want to document them.  

you have a full vocabulary & say new words everyday. everyone is amazed by all your words. gram gram says I need to write them all down. so here goes. at 16 months you're saying, mommy & daddy (changed from mama & dadda), tanky, boy, dog, gram gram, grandpa, papa, outside, shoes (choose), horsey (neh, neh), donkey, blue, poo poo, swing (wing), moon, heart, slide, bubbles, book, pretty pretty (what you call jewelry), lamp, Jesus, amen, hi, I love you (la you), vroom vroom (what you call a car), bike, night night, binky, bun bun, yeah! (which you love to answer to everything), no! (which you also love to answer with), church, blue, pink, white, purple, yellow, bug, mountain, blanket, window (you learned in cannon beach), ocean, beach, sand, kite, castle, welcome (for you're welcome), you say "ab, ab" to sing your abcs, and "twinkle twinkle to sing "twinkle twinkle little star", drink, bible, elmo, tree, airplane, hair,  walrus, yak, eyes, nose, ear, hat, mouth, rock, dirt, pool, friends (fwiends), one, con con, em, brook, mary, Bentley, benson, Jaycee, jayda, brody, birdie, nurse, ball, eat (also num num), water, bath, art, geese, turtle, whoa whoa (rizers music food), you know all the animal sounds. & lots of food names like, bananna, zuccini, bell pep, avocado (cado), egg, bacon, chicken, crackers (crack crack), chips (snap pea crisps), strawberry, yogurt (yo yo), blueberry, spoon (poon), pea & milk. 

you love to explore! & "collect" rocks! if you don't have pockets, you just put them down the front of your shirt, dress or jumper. It's so funny! outside is your jam! you love to be outside as much as possible. you have so much fun running around the park with friends going down slides, on swings, driving the wheels & collecting wood chips. 

we are always in the backyard! your favorite thing as of lately is when I spray and hold out the hose for you to try and "catch" the water! you could play that game for hours. It always makes you laugh non stop! we do lots of bubbles. going down the slide (you can now climb the later all by yourself). & you like to say "readddy" when you get to the top. the swing is the only place you sit still. you're so calm in it. you like to splash around in your sand & water table. & you love to play with your ball, especially kicking it! i think you could be a good little soccer player. 

you still love to dance! your new move is to "spin" just walk around in a lot of circles until you get dizzy and fall down. 

you like to help me harvest the garden. to you that just means pick off all the leaves & strawberries to eat them, even if they aren't ready. 

bed time with you is the sweetness! we always have sooo many giggles when I tickle your neck & mimic your funny sounds. you give me big hugs by wrapping your arms around my neck. & your little kisses have been on point lately! 

it's so fun having little conversations with you & seeing how much you understand! You're so smart! 

you've also started some fits & sass. so we are using love & logic as a tool to discipline you. that means lots of empathy & quick enforcement of consequences. like throwing food "how sad" looks like meal time is over & you need some quiet time in your room. you can come out when you're sweet. & then we try again. we are still learning a lot! & we've already made plenty of mistakes. but, lots of working through them and remembering grace for everyone! 

you have such a love for people! you light up a room & always have such joy! we do lots of play dates with friends! you are so social to say the least! & you play so well with other kiddos! we are working on better sharing. 

you love books! & you'll always ask for just one more at bed time! your favorites right now are "on the night you were born" & "the itsy bitsy spider".

we've recently switched to one nap a day. which was a big transition. some days you'd only nap an hour. but, lots of consistency and you seam to be adjusting well. You usually nap from 12-3. Or, at least that's the goal. at night, you still sleep 7 pm to 7 am. you are eating so great! your favorite right now is zuccini, strawberries & blueberries. 

you're really interested in doing art! yesterday, we did your first painting & had paint everywhere! It was so fun watching you! 

everyday with you is an adventure. Everyday with you is a joy! some days are a challenge. and, every day Jesus is refining me & teaching me that to rest in his love for us & let the way I teach, train and raise you up to come out of a flow of His love & not my own performance! He has already taught me so much through you. I love the way you make me slow down & cherish the littlest moments!   

you're awake from your nap now so it's play time! Yay!:) 

love you baby girl! 

Xoxo

let your little light shine

"this little light of mine, I'm ganna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm ganna let it shine." i love singing this song to you! you are such a light. and, you shine everywhere you go! whether it's saying "hiya" to every person you pass in the grocery store, giving a smile, giggle or hug to anyone, even a random little girl at the park or running around with the most free spirited joy I've ever seen, you shine so bright for everyone to see! 

some of my favorite things that you're doing at this 12/13 month mark are: 

-trying to jump (it is so funny to watch you when I say "jump, jump". It's like there's a weight on your feet and you just laugh trying to get them in the air 

-somersault. as soon as I say the word, you put your head down in position to roll forward

-"spin, spin" you've taken your dance skills to another level and can twirl all around 

-the way you chase your shadow and crack up laughing!

-your new words! everyday a new word. today's was hat. all day you point to everything and say "that, that". I respond and tell you what it is. before we know it, it's a new word added to your vocabulary. 

-the way you like to put your teddy bears "nigh nigh" & tuck them in. you're so nurturing. 

-the way you light up and say dadda as soon as you hear the front door open! 

you are our little light & you shine so bright! love you baby girl! 

Unwrapping gifts in advent season

1. your tight squeeze hugs 

2. your sweet kisses 

3. the way you hold ornaments in your hand and look at them with wonder & amazement 

4. singing Christmas songs to you

5. you dancing to Christmas music 

6. watching Christmas movies 

7. telling you about Jesus 

8. your first Christmas ornament on the tree 

9. the way you laugh & giggle, even at yourself 

10. your first time to a Christmas tree farm

11. seeing your first snowfall 

12. our evening hugs, kisses & giggles 

13. reading you Christmas stories 

14. the smell of the Christmas tree 

15. how you give a hug & kiss when I say "hugs & kisses"

16. our mornings together 

17. your singing "away in a manger" book from grandma Jo 

18. your little hand on my shoulder 

19. unwrapping your first Christmas gift 

20. the sound of you waking up

21. the bursting excitement & smiles when I come into your room in the morning 

22. the way your little legs move as you push around your little walker 

23. your laugh 

24. the way you hold two toys and crawl all around

25. new Christmas pjs from papa 

26. waking up your first Christmas morning - you slept in until 8:30! 

27. the joy as you unwrapped your first stocking. the biggest smiles for the tiniest gifts, like a toy cell phone from the dollar store. 

28. the way you held up your gifts & said "wow!" you even loved holding up your new clothes 

29. the way you snuggle your Christmas stocking 

30. walking around Grannie and grandpas house taking in every little detail, finding the little bell on mrs Claus, taking Grannie and I on a tour of all the Christmas decorations, the look of wonder in your eyes, sitting on grandpas lap, hugging the Christmas bear by the stair, the joy & smiles as you play with your cousins, eating more turkey than most us adults can handle

nearing nine months!

hi baby girl! 

 

i'm listening to the ocean waves feeling the warmth of the sun & thinking about all the fun things there are to document about you nearing nine months. we are in cannon beach for the stormy weather art festival. but, the weather isn't stormy, it's gorgeous! sunny blue sky's and crisp fall air.

did I mention that it's November?beautiful weather at the beach in November... we are so blessed!

this is your third time to cannon beach. it's so fun watching you grow & explore more and more each time we are here.

tomorrow, you will be nine months! It's crazy to think how fast these nine months have gone. you've brought so much joy & make our cups overflow! 

yesterday, you and I had one of those moments I wish I could relive over & over! you were nursing after your nap. then, you started to say "na na na". I repeated you, you looked at me laughed and gave me hugs and kisses. i love the way you put your hands on my face. then, we babbled back and forth. every time i'd say "na na" and act like I was going to scare you, you'd start laughing so hard. we rolled around laughing together for about five minutes. so sweet! 

grandma Jo & grandpa Mitch have spoiled us. the past couple days have been filled with walks on the beach, playtimes, your first time to dinner at a restaurant for pizza, a coffee date & a girl's lunch out. you did great! you liked dangling your feet in the highchair and looking at all the people. you waved & made friends. 

you and your cousin Brooklyn are so cute together. you started taking baths together. brooky likes to sit & splash and you like to stand up. when you play together, it's so cute the way brooky watches what you do & the way you two reach for each other. 

you've started saying "ya" a lot. sometimes it's at really appropriate times, like yesterday with grandma Jo said "do you guys want to walk to town?" then, you said "ya" and we all laughed. 

today, you started taking a liking to crawling on your hands & knees. you've mainly been doing the army crawl & on your hands and knees here and there. you stared the army crawl at six months.  

one of my favorite things is the way you "dance" (rock back and forth) when there's music playing. you really started doing this when we got to the beach and grandma played an old mcdonald song on her iPad. 

you love doggies! everytime Abbie (grandma & grandpas dog) walks by you, you get so excited & crawl after her. 

you enjoy the beach more and more everytime we are here. it's so fun to watch you explore and play in the sand. 

every moment with you is such a gift. you bring so many smiles, so much joy & laughter. I will never stop thanking Jesus for the blessing that you are! 

we love you baby girl! 

Xoxo

this was at sunset the first night we got here

you and cousin Brooklyn getting ready for  a bath