just write.

Just. start. writing. These are the words I keep hearing. So, here I am returning to the blog where I haven't written in years. And, I'm a puddle of tears. 

It's nothing fancy. Just simple. A special space that holds letters to my daughter, milestones and my heart as I walked through years of health trials. And a huge gap of time that I stopped writing. Seven years later, those health trials still flare up. And, quite frankly got really hard this winter. The Lord brought me back to this blog and is using my own writing and His truths from years ago to speak to me now. 

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." John 16:33 

How comforting it is to know that we have a God who is in control, who is sovereign over everything, who pursues us, who meets us right where we are and who loves us with a never stopping, never giving up, un-breaking, always and forever love. 

When you think about that, I mean REALLY think about that, it makes you wonder why do we ever worry? Why do we feel the need to prove? To find our identity in something other than who He says we are - His beloved, to seek from people or things what we can only get from God? Do we truly know how loved we are and that we have everything we need in Jesus?

Honestly, I don't think I know how loved I am by God on a cellular level in my innermost being. Maybe on some level I think if He really loved me that much, would't he remove these health trials completely? 

I hate to even confess that. I kind of struggled typing the words. Really, how can I doubt His love for me? I think of my love as a parent to my kids. It is an un-breaking, always and forever love to the very depths of my heart and soul. I've never experienced anything like it and yet His love for us is so much more. There are things my kids go through that I know are painful or hard in their little toddler brains, but from my vantage point as a parent, I know it will refine or strengthen them. 

And then, there are bigger things that I wish I could take from them. But, I have watched how Jesus has used those things to produce character in them and a love for Himself. Yes, even in a five and two year-old. I watched the bravery and empathy that was produced in my Bella as she battled asthma. Recently, she saw my blood pressure monitor out and she asked "mom, how are you feeling? Can I pray for you?" and she did. Then, walked away singing a song about trusting Jesus. This girl's empathy, love and trust in Jesus is no joke and it's contagious. He uses all things! 

If I as a parent can see those things, how much more than can our Father in heaven see those things for us?

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18

I might still have my "thorn" like Paul or my "limp" like Jacob, but it is that very thorn or limp that is showing me just how loved I am. 

I kid you not - as I am writing this, this song started playing:

"nobody loves me like you love me Jesus. I stand in awe of your amazing ways. I worship you as long as I am breathing. God you are faithful and true. Nobody loves me like you."

I think I will end here for now. I don't know the purpose of this blog - maybe a space for my kids someday to read my writing, maybe to encourage someone or maybe to turn into a book one day. But, what I do know is that "He uses all things for the good and purpose of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28) and He is using my trials to let me experience the depth of His love and share it with others through writing. 

"So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:17-19

The fog.

We live up on a ridge where usually you can look out and see over the valley and to the city. I love looking out to open spaces. It makes me breathe deep. But, today all you can see over the valley is a thick layer of fog. 

As I was sitting here cozied up with my favorite blanket, an afternoon cup of coffee and reading from one of my favorite authors, I thought about how when we look to what’s next in our lives, it can feel like there’s a layer of fog. Like we can’t quite see where to go or what’s next. Do you ever find yourself asking God to show you the way and tell Him you trust him? But, by show me the way, you mean show me exactly where I’m going. Oh and then confirm for me that I’m going the right way. And, by confirm I mean make it really clear like speak through a burning bush. I can be so annoying. How about, even though I can’t see through the fog, I will trust you and follow you. I know you are there. Sounds much better in theory. I’m getting there. 

Today I’m sitting in the fog metaphorically and literally. Yesterday, I came out of a doctors appointment in tears. This appointment was to review results that would tell me if I have an adrenal tumor or not. The answer was not. And, while I’m thankful it’s not. My thanking Jesus didn’t last very long before a cord struck in me and I burst into tears wanting to know why and what to do. It all feels foggy. We have pieces of the puzzle but still don’t understand fully why I’ve had these health flare ups for 8 years that land me in the hospital. Most recently, unconscious for a few minutes. Through my tears, I ask the doctor “what’s next?” He goes on to suggest some more specialists I should see. If you have traveled down the road of health complications, you know how that feels. I could sense his frustration. I’m sure he could sense mine. He said he wished he knew what to do. From the moment I met this doctor, I knew he felt empathy and wanted to get to the bottom of this. I think we both felt a little defeated not having an answer. 

I wanted direction, a road map even, something to tell concerned family members. But, I just have to keep pressing on and trusting Jesus. A few minutes after leaving the office, I got a call that they wanted to run some more tests because he suspects something else.

More blood work, more specialists and more tests. But, here’s the thing I keep coming back to - my hope is not in the results, it’s in Jesus. So, while It feels defeating at times. There is no defeat because He has already won the victory. “In this world you WILL have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). 

you are so full of life

that's what one of the girls said about you tonight at community group as she watched you so joyfully splashing & swimming in the pool! it's so true! you bring so much life & energy everywhere you are! I always say you make me burst at the seams with joy! 

Daddy & I talked talked tonight about how amazed we are at how sweet you are, how incredibly smart you are & how happy you are! you are carrying on full on conversations & telling us when you want us to sit down with you, cuddle, take a bite etc. You're doing so well on your colors. You can almost count to 10. & you LOVE saying your abc's (you've reached all the way to f). You love to giggle! You'll even ask me to tickle you. "Tickle mommy tickle". You still like being chased. Especially before bath time when you're running all around naked. You're always so happy! Especially when you're outside and splashing in the water, around people or animals. well, pretty much all the time! 

you've really started showing the sweet side of your character. before bed the last few nights, you've given me a big hug and kiss then said "luv you mommy". you also ask daddy & I to cuddle. you are the sweetest 💛 

we love you baby girl & we are so amazed by the spirit Jesus is forming in you! 

Xoxo

words, words & more words!

hi baby girl, I'm not as good at this blogging stuff as I'd like to be. but, I keep thinking of all the fun changes that this season of toddlerhood (16 months) has brought so I want to document them.  

you have a full vocabulary & say new words everyday. everyone is amazed by all your words. gram gram says I need to write them all down. so here goes. at 16 months you're saying, mommy & daddy (changed from mama & dadda), tanky, boy, dog, gram gram, grandpa, papa, outside, shoes (choose), horsey (neh, neh), donkey, blue, poo poo, swing (wing), moon, heart, slide, bubbles, book, pretty pretty (what you call jewelry), lamp, Jesus, amen, hi, I love you (la you), vroom vroom (what you call a car), bike, night night, binky, bun bun, yeah! (which you love to answer to everything), no! (which you also love to answer with), church, blue, pink, white, purple, yellow, bug, mountain, blanket, window (you learned in cannon beach), ocean, beach, sand, kite, castle, welcome (for you're welcome), you say "ab, ab" to sing your abcs, and "twinkle twinkle to sing "twinkle twinkle little star", drink, bible, elmo, tree, airplane, hair,  walrus, yak, eyes, nose, ear, hat, mouth, rock, dirt, pool, friends (fwiends), one, con con, em, brook, mary, Bentley, benson, Jaycee, jayda, brody, birdie, nurse, ball, eat (also num num), water, bath, art, geese, turtle, whoa whoa (rizers music food), you know all the animal sounds. & lots of food names like, bananna, zuccini, bell pep, avocado (cado), egg, bacon, chicken, crackers (crack crack), chips (snap pea crisps), strawberry, yogurt (yo yo), blueberry, spoon (poon), pea & milk. 

you love to explore! & "collect" rocks! if you don't have pockets, you just put them down the front of your shirt, dress or jumper. It's so funny! outside is your jam! you love to be outside as much as possible. you have so much fun running around the park with friends going down slides, on swings, driving the wheels & collecting wood chips. 

we are always in the backyard! your favorite thing as of lately is when I spray and hold out the hose for you to try and "catch" the water! you could play that game for hours. It always makes you laugh non stop! we do lots of bubbles. going down the slide (you can now climb the later all by yourself). & you like to say "readddy" when you get to the top. the swing is the only place you sit still. you're so calm in it. you like to splash around in your sand & water table. & you love to play with your ball, especially kicking it! i think you could be a good little soccer player. 

you still love to dance! your new move is to "spin" just walk around in a lot of circles until you get dizzy and fall down. 

you like to help me harvest the garden. to you that just means pick off all the leaves & strawberries to eat them, even if they aren't ready. 

bed time with you is the sweetness! we always have sooo many giggles when I tickle your neck & mimic your funny sounds. you give me big hugs by wrapping your arms around my neck. & your little kisses have been on point lately! 

it's so fun having little conversations with you & seeing how much you understand! You're so smart! 

you've also started some fits & sass. so we are using love & logic as a tool to discipline you. that means lots of empathy & quick enforcement of consequences. like throwing food "how sad" looks like meal time is over & you need some quiet time in your room. you can come out when you're sweet. & then we try again. we are still learning a lot! & we've already made plenty of mistakes. but, lots of working through them and remembering grace for everyone! 

you have such a love for people! you light up a room & always have such joy! we do lots of play dates with friends! you are so social to say the least! & you play so well with other kiddos! we are working on better sharing. 

you love books! & you'll always ask for just one more at bed time! your favorites right now are "on the night you were born" & "the itsy bitsy spider".

we've recently switched to one nap a day. which was a big transition. some days you'd only nap an hour. but, lots of consistency and you seam to be adjusting well. You usually nap from 12-3. Or, at least that's the goal. at night, you still sleep 7 pm to 7 am. you are eating so great! your favorite right now is zuccini, strawberries & blueberries. 

you're really interested in doing art! yesterday, we did your first painting & had paint everywhere! It was so fun watching you! 

everyday with you is an adventure. Everyday with you is a joy! some days are a challenge. and, every day Jesus is refining me & teaching me that to rest in his love for us & let the way I teach, train and raise you up to come out of a flow of His love & not my own performance! He has already taught me so much through you. I love the way you make me slow down & cherish the littlest moments!   

you're awake from your nap now so it's play time! Yay!:) 

love you baby girl! 

Xoxo

let your little light shine

"this little light of mine, I'm ganna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm ganna let it shine." i love singing this song to you! you are such a light. and, you shine everywhere you go! whether it's saying "hiya" to every person you pass in the grocery store, giving a smile, giggle or hug to anyone, even a random little girl at the park or running around with the most free spirited joy I've ever seen, you shine so bright for everyone to see! 

some of my favorite things that you're doing at this 12/13 month mark are: 

-trying to jump (it is so funny to watch you when I say "jump, jump". It's like there's a weight on your feet and you just laugh trying to get them in the air 

-somersault. as soon as I say the word, you put your head down in position to roll forward

-"spin, spin" you've taken your dance skills to another level and can twirl all around 

-the way you chase your shadow and crack up laughing!

-your new words! everyday a new word. today's was hat. all day you point to everything and say "that, that". I respond and tell you what it is. before we know it, it's a new word added to your vocabulary. 

-the way you like to put your teddy bears "nigh nigh" & tuck them in. you're so nurturing. 

-the way you light up and say dadda as soon as you hear the front door open! 

you are our little light & you shine so bright! love you baby girl! 

Unwrapping gifts in advent season

1. your tight squeeze hugs 

2. your sweet kisses 

3. the way you hold ornaments in your hand and look at them with wonder & amazement 

4. singing Christmas songs to you

5. you dancing to Christmas music 

6. watching Christmas movies 

7. telling you about Jesus 

8. your first Christmas ornament on the tree 

9. the way you laugh & giggle, even at yourself 

10. your first time to a Christmas tree farm

11. seeing your first snowfall 

12. our evening hugs, kisses & giggles 

13. reading you Christmas stories 

14. the smell of the Christmas tree 

15. how you give a hug & kiss when I say "hugs & kisses"

16. our mornings together 

17. your singing "away in a manger" book from grandma Jo 

18. your little hand on my shoulder 

19. unwrapping your first Christmas gift 

20. the sound of you waking up

21. the bursting excitement & smiles when I come into your room in the morning 

22. the way your little legs move as you push around your little walker 

23. your laugh 

24. the way you hold two toys and crawl all around

25. new Christmas pjs from papa 

26. waking up your first Christmas morning - you slept in until 8:30! 

27. the joy as you unwrapped your first stocking. the biggest smiles for the tiniest gifts, like a toy cell phone from the dollar store. 

28. the way you held up your gifts & said "wow!" you even loved holding up your new clothes 

29. the way you snuggle your Christmas stocking 

30. walking around Grannie and grandpas house taking in every little detail, finding the little bell on mrs Claus, taking Grannie and I on a tour of all the Christmas decorations, the look of wonder in your eyes, sitting on grandpas lap, hugging the Christmas bear by the stair, the joy & smiles as you play with your cousins, eating more turkey than most us adults can handle

nearing nine months!

hi baby girl! 

 

i'm listening to the ocean waves feeling the warmth of the sun & thinking about all the fun things there are to document about you nearing nine months. we are in cannon beach for the stormy weather art festival. but, the weather isn't stormy, it's gorgeous! sunny blue sky's and crisp fall air.

did I mention that it's November?beautiful weather at the beach in November... we are so blessed!

this is your third time to cannon beach. it's so fun watching you grow & explore more and more each time we are here.

tomorrow, you will be nine months! It's crazy to think how fast these nine months have gone. you've brought so much joy & make our cups overflow! 

yesterday, you and I had one of those moments I wish I could relive over & over! you were nursing after your nap. then, you started to say "na na na". I repeated you, you looked at me laughed and gave me hugs and kisses. i love the way you put your hands on my face. then, we babbled back and forth. every time i'd say "na na" and act like I was going to scare you, you'd start laughing so hard. we rolled around laughing together for about five minutes. so sweet! 

grandma Jo & grandpa Mitch have spoiled us. the past couple days have been filled with walks on the beach, playtimes, your first time to dinner at a restaurant for pizza, a coffee date & a girl's lunch out. you did great! you liked dangling your feet in the highchair and looking at all the people. you waved & made friends. 

you and your cousin Brooklyn are so cute together. you started taking baths together. brooky likes to sit & splash and you like to stand up. when you play together, it's so cute the way brooky watches what you do & the way you two reach for each other. 

you've started saying "ya" a lot. sometimes it's at really appropriate times, like yesterday with grandma Jo said "do you guys want to walk to town?" then, you said "ya" and we all laughed. 

today, you started taking a liking to crawling on your hands & knees. you've mainly been doing the army crawl & on your hands and knees here and there. you stared the army crawl at six months.  

one of my favorite things is the way you "dance" (rock back and forth) when there's music playing. you really started doing this when we got to the beach and grandma played an old mcdonald song on her iPad. 

you love doggies! everytime Abbie (grandma & grandpas dog) walks by you, you get so excited & crawl after her. 

you enjoy the beach more and more everytime we are here. it's so fun to watch you explore and play in the sand. 

every moment with you is such a gift. you bring so many smiles, so much joy & laughter. I will never stop thanking Jesus for the blessing that you are! 

we love you baby girl! 

Xoxo

this was at sunset the first night we got here

you and cousin Brooklyn getting ready for  a bath

you just made me lol

i love laughing with you! seriously, it. is. the best! we just had so much fun together, it inspired me to write down a few of my favorite things. at this stage that is... almost eight months, I can't believe it.   here goes --

• if I'm laughing, you're laughing 
• you think I'm funny. you actually laugh at all the silly things I do and the goofy sounds I make. 
• you've started this thing when you're laying on my chest where you grab my face, open your mouth for a big kiss and then try to eat my nose! 
• who says meal time has to be all about the food? we giggle our way through eating. especially when I get really close to your face and smile or make a silly sound. 
• the baby rap, at least that's what grandma Mary calls it. its when you make noise with your mouth when bringing your hand, or in your case, fist, off and on your mouth. 
• you copy me when I make sounds or do the baby rap 
• the way you look at me - you know I'm your mama & you trust me. 
• when you get on all fours to crawl and lift one hand like you're waving & I say "hi Bella", it makes you smile every time. 
• when you fall down crawling and do the swimming move or baby plank and get right back up to try again 
• when daddy gets home from work and you light up with a huge smile 
• the way daddy makes you laugh by blowing on your tummy, being silly or scaring you 
• the way you tighten up in my arms when you get so excited and start to kick and laugh. like, every morning when tanker follows us down the stairs. 
• the way your little hands reach for everything and how you think it's funny to put them in my mouth 
• how you love books! and, insist on flipping the pages by yourself. and, the way you talk to the pages or try to kiss the people or animals on them. 
• how much you love animals 
• the way you smile at your favorite stuffed animal friends like Abby cadabby 
• how you love to be around people and smile when someone gets to the door 
• the way you cuddle in my arms if you're not feeling well 
• your determination - if you want to reach something, you work so hard to get it.  
• you love your family. it's so sweet to see you with your grandparents, aunts & uncles and cousins.

you have brought so much JOY to our lives! you are auch a gift baby girl. 

"for every good and perfect gift comes from above" James 1:17

legacy & labor

hi baby girl. [that's what my mom called me. i guess it seamed natural to write that to you:]

mama here. wow - seeing that in writing is something else. it's still hard to believe that i get to be your mom. that you are my daughter. i thank Jesus everyday. truly!

you're seven months now. i can hardly believe it. you are growing so fast. every moment with you is so special. it's such a gift. and, i want to document it. i want a place where we can both look back and relive some of the moments. i want a place where you can go someday when you're a mama and hear from me about your childhood.

you see - my mama, your grandma connie passed away before you could meet her. oh how badly i wish you could know her & feel her nurturing embrace. i wish so badly that i had her here to share this incredible journey with. she taught me so much. and, i want to keep her legacy alive by sharing those things with you. 

now that i'm a mama, there are so many days when i want to pick up the phone to call my mom and ask her questions about me as a baby. her thoughts. her dreams for me. or my stages of development. i don't have a baby book or anything to look at where i can read her writing and hear her heart. that's something i want for you. i want you to always have a place where you can see and hear about all the cherished moments of your childhood. 

so let's start from the beginning of you entering this world - your birth! 

on february 8, 2014 at 3 am, i woke up with pretty consistent contractions. the snow was falling outside. and, i just had a feeling you were coming soon. your due date was Feb. 9. the pain wasn't very intense. but, consistent. it was a saturday. your daddy was going to go into work for a couple hours to finish a project. at about 6 am, i told him "i think i'm going into labor today. better make it a quick trip to the office." he did & was back in no time. 

we had plans to go to lunch with papa steve. i told him he better just come over to the house because i was having contractions. so he came over and we ordered lunch from the Ram (papa's treat of course-always!). 

i was keeping our doula, beth, updated. by about 3 pm, she decided it was time to come over. we went labor walking outside. by the time we finished, contractions really started picking up. we went upstairs so i could labor in the bath. just in time for the snowfall to pick up. it was like a dream. laboring in the bath, watching the snow, candle lit and worship music playing. i thought this can't be labor? ummm well, let's just say i was right. it was a little too good to be true. 

we kept dr. taggart updated. by about 6 pm, he suggested we go to the hospital. of course, your papa made it there before we did. the snow had really picked up. they were calling it a late winter snowstorm. of course you'd come during a snowstorm. after all, your daddy did too! 

so there we were on a snowy winter night pulling up to good samaritan hospital in puyallup. as ready as you were to come out, i wasn't dilating fast enough. so we did some labor walking at the hospital. i still wasn't progressing enough so we came home to labor.

because the snowstorm was so bad & not everyone's vehicles were safe enough to drive in the snow, everyone at the hospital with us came back to the house with us. it was your daddy, papa steve, grandma jo, auntie erin (who took photos of your birth) and beth (our doula). it was a labor slumber party!

i went back to labor in the bath. i spent a long time in there. and, as it got later, eventually transferred the bed and back and forth to the medicine ball. i labored all. night. long! with contractions every five minutes. your daddy, erin & beth all took turns helping me manage the contractions. it was a long night for everyone. thank jesus we had the best team by our side.

finally, by about 5 am, i started leaking some fluid and the pain was pretty intense. erin shot a text to dr. t and he said get to the hospital. it was a total home alone moment. someone made the announcement that it was time to go and we all grabbed everything and rushed out of the house.

it was the most beautiful snowy day! and, it was your due date.we got all checked into the hospital. our room had huge windows overlooking the snowy valley. dr. t came in to check on us and let us know he was praying for us, heading to church and would be back later. i thought how much later could it be?

well, baby girl, it was a long day! from the bath. to the bed. to the medicine ball. back to the bath. again and again. i labored all day long with intense contractions. i'll let some of the pictures tell the story. thank you auntie erin for capturing this most incredible day. and, thank you beth for being the best doula ever!

we spent a lot of time in the bath! 

daddy was such a great coach!

i made a labor play list with lots of great worship songs! but, by hour 20 i was so done with that playlist.  then, we tried the "lullaby" pandora music because it has nice calm music. but, when the soundtrack songs came on, it drove me nuts.

labor lemonade from beth! and, freshly painted toes of course, from grandma jo. 

checking stats

still smiling :)

the day got longer and the contractions got more and more intense.

dr t called and asked if he had enough time to go on a run. your dr has quite a personality. and, turns out he did have enough time.

but, then ... they did one last check and it was time for your mama to start pushing. you were ready and so was i. i pushed for two long hours. by that time, i had been in labor almost 40 hours (the first 12 were really light contractions). all i could keep thinking was how close i was to seeing your sweet face. by this time, i was so exhausted and had been in lots of pain for so many hours. what kept me going was saying scripture in my head and out loud "i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". i had on my heart to go through labor naturally without any pain medication. later, our dr told us it was a good thing i did because he would have had to take me back for a cesarian hours ago if i had the epidural. my pelvis was very narrow and i wouldn't have been able to push you down the birth canal if i was numb.

 finally, at 7:10 pm, the most miraculous thing happened, you entered this world. i can hardly describe the overwhelming and unbelievable joy felt in the moment that you were placed on my chest. you reached up and held your head up straight out of the womb. you were perfect. i was beginning to understand God's love for us on a completely new level. my heart was so full. and, here are some pictures to tell the story of those first few moments.

i remember having a hard time focusing on your face because mine was so swollen from all the pushing. and, the long hours of labor took their toll. but, i could see how beautiful you were and how much you looked like your daddy :-). the most incredible gift God had given us was here. it was surreal. i'll never forget the look on your daddy's face. he was utterly amazed, so in love and so proud.

daddy praying over us

daddy's first time holding you

washing your little tooshie & head because you pooped a little on mama

we have the best doctor!

"my work here is done" - dr. t

you latched onto nursing right away. it's incredible how you knew just what to do. God made our bodies so intricately. i felt so grateful to be able to nurse and provide you nourishment in that way. it's a beautiful thing.

papa steve was first to come meet you. followed right behind by grandma jo. those two were with us and in the waiting room for over 24 hours. then, came your gpa curt, gg, auntie chicky, auntie emmy and uncle jordan. they were all so amazed by you & kept saying how beautiful and perfect you were.

it had been a long day so some of your family had left the hospital by the time you got here. so the next week and even month, were met with many many family visits from so many people who love you!

and, there we were, our little family of three staying our first night together.

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

Wow.

Overwhelmed. You can say that.
Grateful. Everyday.
Amazed. Absolutely.
Faith. Full of it.

Sooo, we're pregnant!!! Our miracle bundle of joy is expected to arrive February 9, 2013. We are so thrilled, to say the least.

 

But, the story doesn't begin there.

Just like we can't just celebrate Jesus rising on Easter Sunday without reflecting what He did on the cross, we can't just rejoice in our pregnancy without acknowledging what Jesus has done to bring us the gift of this miracle baby.

We have had a few years of trials - taking up our cross and following Jesus. We have walked through some trenches. It's been hard. Really hard. Sept. 30, 2011 marked the beginning of some of my health trials. I'll never forget that day. I'll never forget the pain I felt. I'll never forget the trips in and out of the ER, doctors visits, dozens of tests, medications, surgery... But, more than that, I'll never forget that Jesus was and is ALWAYS with me. He never left my side. He was in the midst of it all. And, I can honestly say,

"His Grace is sufficient for me."

Though I was suffering physically, and many times, I asked God to take it from me, my relationship with Jesus only deepened and my faith only increased.

Post gall bladder surgery (July 2012), we thought my body was healed. Though my overall condition improved, I was still suffering with occasional seizures and digestive issues. I had really hard days. Then, really good days and even weeks. More tests. More doctors visits. No answers. A lot of prayer. 

In April, 2013, I felt the sudden urge to take a pregnancy test. I remember my husband laughing like how could it be... 

You see - where our hearts were at the time were we really wanted to raise a family. We were SO excited to become parents. But, we wanted my health to be well before we tried and we wanted clearance from our doctor. A couple months before this, I had a doctor's visit. And, at the time, my health was doing pretty well. I asked the doctor if he gave me medical clearance. He said Yes. He saw no reason why he wouldn't give the ok. But, with a couple health setbacks after that apt, Garrett and I didn't feel comfortable yet. 

On Saturday, April 6, 2013, we experienced sweetest surprise and the greatest gift, a positive pregnancy test. We were ecstatic. It was a dream come true. I was so in love with our little one to the very depths of my soul. The JOY and anticipation we felt was unexplainable. Our Baby was due December 9, 2013. 

On Monday, April 29, we were told the devastating words "there is no heartbeat". I burst into TEARS... It was the only response I had. There are just no words.  

The week drug on with constant reminders that our baby was no longer with us. The pains of child bearing are one thing when you get to hold your baby in the end. But, this was just terrible. Our hope remained in knowing our baby was with Jesus. And, in countless ways, The Lord showed us He was with us.

They monitored my HCG levels down to 0 to make sure nothing was left. The last HCG test I had was a 5, anything 5 and below means not pregnant. 

There we were - from the fullness of joy that comes with a positive pregnancy test to sorrow and grief. We clung to Jesus and each other. It was all we could do. 

And, then, I had that random urge once again to take a pregnancy test. Garrett said "there's no way..." 

It was positive!? I sent my Dr. T a message asking if this could be remaining hormones. He said most likely. Yes. But, then as we talked - we realized that my hormones two weeks ago had been down to a 5 (meaning not pregnant). There was no way a pregnancy test was picking that up. 

So, he brought me in for an HCG test. Meanwhile, my bible study was in my home and prayed without ceasing for us. 

Results came back - it jumped up to 260, then, two days later, 991. We were clearly pregnant! 

All the doctors were and are shocked. They have never seen someone get pregnant so soon. Dr. T says he's never seen anything like this. He says,

"There is no way to explain this. It is a complete act of God." 

We started getting monitored at four weeks along. That's when our Dr. found a subchronic hemorrhage. In other words, a blood clot, twice the size of the pregnancy sac. This put us at high risk. They call it a "threatened miscarriage". 

We were monitored closely and I was put on rest. We and all those around us prayed like crazy for our little one. 

At our eight week appointment, my heart was lifted when we heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time and we were told that the blood clot was almost gone and no longer a concern. My Dr. said 

"Baby looks great. You are no longer high risk. You look great." You can imagine the shouts of acclamation then!!!

I later heard my doctor and the other doctors talking about what a miracle it is that we are pregnant and that our baby survived that clot. 

"complete act of God" is what they keep saying. 

Here we are, 16 weeks along, healthy baby, healthy Moma and SO INCREDIBLY grateful for our miracle baby from the Lord!

Oh and my health - It's never been better. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't struggled with any health complications. I feel great! I remember a while ago, my Dr. John made a remark that some women who suffer with health complications are healed through pregnancy because of all the healthy hormones. And, when I found out we were pregnant, Dr. John prayed with me over the phone "Lord, we know you know just what Sabrina's body and this baby needs".    

I don't know why we have to endure the things we do. But, I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change the deepening of my relationship with Christ. I wouldn't change the increase in my faith. I wouldn't change the surpassing greatness of knowing Jesus. With Jesus, NOTHING is wasted. He never leaves us or forsakes us. And,  

"His Grace is sufficient for me."