"Trust Me"

This morning I woke to these refreshing words trust me. Thanks for the reminder Jesus. I needed that. What a privilege it is to reflect on why I can and do trust Jesus. It's easy to skim over reasons merely as facts instead of feeling and internalizing them as God's grace. To name just a few, He came to rescue me as He promised. Though tempted, as fully human, He lived a sinless life and performed many miracles. He bore my sin on the cross and died the most painful and violent death that I should have died. Three days later He rose conquering sin and death giving me eternal life, as He promised. He sought after me. When I kept wandering aimlessly like a lost dumb sheep, He intervened in His perfect timing like the Good and Faithful Shepard He IS. He redeems, restores, forgives and gives new life. Now, that is Grace. I have EVERY reason to trust Jesus with anything and everything.

Today, I'm trusting Jesus to heal me. I believe He can, He will. But, even if He doesn't I will still love Him. I trust that His plan is better than mine. I trust and know that He uses all things for the good of those who love Him. He will use this for His glory and my good!

Friday, September 30, 2010 marked the beginning of a series of health complications. Here is the summary version. It started with a sharp and severe abdominal pain that was accompanied by a high white blood cell count and diagnosed as kidney stones and a kidney infection. The following day, I was told that the doctor misdiagnosed the kidney stones. The sharp abdominal pain moved to a dull pain and feeling of inflammation. The inflammation sometimes made it hard to breathe and caused dizziness.

Overtime the feeling of inflammation subsided but has never gone away. The dull discomfort persists, sometimes more than others. Dizziness is weekly occurrence, sometimes accompanied by fainting, chills and lethargy. 

In mid October, I started having digestive issues. Followed by severe headaches, low blood pressure, continued dizziness, frequent belching, chest pain, dehydration, trouble breathing and fainting/seizure activity.

Since September 30, I've had tests galore - kidney x-ray, abdominal ct scan, abdominal ultra sound, colonoscopy, chest x-ray, EKG and plenty of blood work. In two weeks, I'm scheduled for an abdominal and pelvic MRI and eco car diagram. As of now, we do not have any solid answers. Though we don't know the cause or cure, I have learned a lot through this process. And amazingly, by God's grace, though very challenging, it has become a joyful season. Here are some things that have helped me and might help you or someone you love.

•  I can trust Jesus. 
• JOY is possible in the midst of suffering through thanksgiving! Even those visits to the ER room or countless doctor visits can bring quality time with the person by your side. For me, it's been my Dad and husband. They keep joking "if you wanted time with us, you didn't have to go to this length" haha. Be aware of these moments and give thanks. Wherever you are, be all there. I want to slow down and taste life, give thanks and see God! As Saint John of Avila says, "one act of thanksgiving, when things go wrong with us, is worth a thousand thanks when things are agreeable to our inclinations.
• Laughter is important. For example, the frequent belching and chest pain can drive me crazy. But, my random outbursts of burps can be pretty hysterical. Take time to laugh at the little things.
• Do not fear. Do not fear. Do not fear. I can't say this enough. Satan wants to bind you in fear. He wants to blind you from seeing God's grace. Be honest with yourself and God about any fear that you have. I had convinced myself I wasn't afraid. Yet, I spent way too much time researching all the things that could be wrong with me. If you are stuck in the rut. Stop. Get out. There's a fine line between being educated and getting paranoid. It wasn't until I came to terms with my fear, confessed it and asked God to remove it that I was freed to experience his peace and give thanks for His grace.
• Accept where you. Be content. Be still. I love waking up to the words Be Still. There have been a few mornings I throw my arms in the air and say "what do you mean be still?" Urgg. Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God". Oh, so you mean worrying or racing thoughts of how do I do this or that, go here or there is wasted space because you're working it all out and you just want me to bring it to you, be still and believe in your power and strength. One of my favorite bible verses is Philippians 4:6-7 "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It must be one of my favorites because I need the constant reminder.
• Patience. I must not be learning this one very well because Jesus keeps teaching me. Those test results that can take weeks to come back or weeks to schedule can feel like forever. I have to remember that Jesus does not operate in our time and space. His timing is perfect. As Isaiah 40:31 says, "But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." No more fainting? Woo Hoo. haha. Kidding. 
• Prayer. Pray for healing and believe. Jesus is our healer! Invite family and friends to pray with you. It is their joy to share in this with you. Some of the most powerful moments in this journey have been when my husband, a family member, friend or community group are praying over me. "For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Mathew 18:20.
• When we are weak, He is strong. Accept your weakness and praise Jesus for His strength in you.
• Balance. One day at a time. This is and always have been a challenge of mine. Some days my body just needs rest. I need to listen to this and be still. There are also times for play. By God's grace, whatever is causing these symptoms has not disabled me to be active. So, when my body has the strength and energy, It's been very refreshing to enjoy time hitting the slopes snowboarding with my husband.
• Find a good doctor and be an advocate for your health care. Keep a health log. Be bold. Describe your symptoms clearly and in detail. If you have a concern, ask for the test. After three months of navigating through the health care system, where I was frustrated with the systematic approach to diagnosing surface symptoms and prescribing medications, my friend Frank informed me about Dr. John Catanzaro of Health & Wellness Institute in Mount Lake Terrace.
  
  Health and Wellness is a naturopathic medical clinic specializing in integrative medicine for the treatment of chronic illness, cancer, autoimmune disease, viral disease, metabolic and hormonal disorders, women's health, chronic neck and back pain and preventive health care. They blend traditional and natural medicine to enhance the healing of body, mind and spirit.
  
  My health care experience has completely turned around. Health and Wellness takes time to understand the entire picture. They cut the fluff. They order thorough and detailed exams to get to the source of the symptoms.The doctors committed to helping you have a full and abundant life. They become your advocate, research team and health coach. They pray for you! The doctors are led by Jesus Christ, the author, founder and perfecter of my faith. I could not ask for more. 

I have every reason to trust in Jesus. My hope is that this blog can help one person in anyway. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me.

Because of His grace,

-Sabrina