In sickness and in health

A wedding vow we've all come to know. But, how do we respond when our spouse gets ill?

Just a few months into being married, I started experiencing health complications that have continued now for seven months. Through this, I've come to realize more about Jesus and more about the awesome husband He has given me. 

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance" James 1:2-3  

 

I'm so grateful for Garrett's selfless support, sacrificial love, understanding, grace, forgiveness and sensitivity that model Jesus and lead me to praise. Not that I idolize my husband, but I'm so thankful for Him.

We are both continually learning about what it means to love well in sickness and in health. I'm learning how to be vulnerable with Garrett and honest in my weakness, and together we are learning to rely on Jesus as our sole provider, healer and comforter, but allow Him to love us through each other.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison"-2 Corinthians 4:17.

Though my husband and our marriage makes me VERY happy, I love what Gary Thomas writes in Sacred Marriage, "What if God made marriage to make us more holy than happy?"

Through this season of trials, we are learning,

• To live each day with complete reliance on the Lord, trusting in Him to direct our steps. 
• To live in unity with one another.
• To embrace sacred moments and laugh a lot.
• To be honest in our suffering. 
• To appreciate our differences. 
• Not to fear. 
• To serve one another. 
• To accept our circumstances. 
• How God loves us through community. 
• To pray, A lot.

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God."- 1 Peter 4:1-2 

Attitude of Gratitude

When we give thanks, we change, For Jesus' glory and our good.

When we give thanks, we make much of our Savior, rather than making much of ourselves. 

When we give thanks, we slow down, taste life and see God! 

When we give thanks, we receive joy. 
When we give thanks, we receive peace.
When we give thanks, we accept our circumstances. 
When we give thanks, we resist the feelings of entitlement to something different.
When we give thanks, we're humbled. 
When we give thanks, we accept His grace.
When we give thanks, we put an end to jealously.
When we give thanks, we stop coveting. 
When we give thanks, we surrender control.
When we give thanks, we rejoice.
When we give thanks, we glorify Jesus. 
When we give thanks, we recognize our sin, understand the penalty of our sin and realize that we do not deserve more, that we've been given much and it's all a gift from our loving father. 

When we give thanks, treasure moments and enjoy life.   

When we give thanks, our hears are stirred to good works, out of gratitude for all that we've been given. 

When we give thanks, we turn from selfishness to servant-hood.

When we give thanks, we tell Jesus that the cross was enough.

For each day, give thanks.

For every circumstance, give thanks.

For every sound of laughter, give thanks. 

For every sight, sound and smell of our Creator's creation, give thanks. 

For every moment with the ones you love, give thanks. 

For every opportunity to share God's love, give thanks.

For the wisdom & love shared from our parents and grandparents, give thanks. 

For every child, give thanks. 

For each day you wake up next to your best friend, give thanks. 

For ten fingers and ten toes, give thanks. 

For trials, give thanks.

For each meal, give thanks. 

For every moment under the sun, give thanks. 

For our father's unchanging, unfailing, selfless and sacrificial love, give thanks.

For our forgiven sins, give thanks.

For his mercies are new each morning, give thanks! 

For today is the day that the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad it it.

Let us slow down, taste life and see God.

It's no wonder Jesus tells us to be thankful, It's for His Glory and our Good. Here are just a few verses on thankfulness:

1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Psalm 107:1 Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Romans 1:21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

Ephesians 5:20 Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ,

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

2 Corinthians 9:15 Thanks be to God for his inexpressible gift!

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Psalm 105:1 Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples!

Psalm 106:1 Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Colossians 3:15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 

Isaiah 12:4-5 And you will say in that day: “Give thanks to the Lord, call upon his name, make known his deeds among the peoples, proclaim that his name is exalted. “Sing praises to the Lord, for he has done gloriously; let this be made known in all the earth.  

Colossians 3:15-17 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

 The above picture is a part of my Euchoristo project, writing or sharing through photos, "gifts" or things I'm thankful for. I'm thankful for my husband and best friend. I'm thankful for our fun adventures together. I'm thankful for beautiful mountainscapes and breathtaking Mt. Rainier!

Do not fear & Perservere!

For those of you who have been praying for my health, thank you! Here's an update.

The parasite is gone! Praise God. I'm currently on a three month treatment for small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO), which I may have had before the parasite. Since ridding my body of the parasite and starting this SIBO treatment, we are seeing improvements. With some symptoms persisting, my doctor's have agreed that they need to take a closer look at my small intestine to ensure there is no blockage or anything else.

Today, I scheduled the capsule endoscopy for Monday, April 30 at 7:15 a.m. This procedure consists of a wireless camera in the form of a pill that takes pictures of my digestive tract (areas in the small intestine that their not able to see with any other testing). A belt with a recording machine is strapped to my waist and will record the pictures. Can you believe technology? Crazy. The first part of the procedure is done at the doctor's office and for the second, I go home for 8 hours to rest then return to have everything unhooked. The day before the procedure (Sunday), the doctor said I need to fast. 

A praise is that insurance is covering this test completely.

Prayer requests are that I rely on the Lord for strength with the fasting, that there are no difficulties in the procedure (such as the camera getting stuck-this is rare but can happen if there's an obstruction) and that if there's another problem, this test reveals it. And, please pray that I'm not anxious, do not fear, persevere, keep my eyes on Jesus and that He is glorified through this.

At our church, Mars Hill, this week's sermon was timely on fear. I needed to hear it, repent of it, and keep repenting of it. Fear can manifest itself in so many ways. Here is some of the transcript from Pastor Mark Driscoll that stood out to me.

What do you fear? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of conflict? Are you afraid of what you perceive to be failure? Are you afraid of poverty or suffering? Are you afraid of criticism or opposition? Are you afraid of death?

How do you respond to fear? The doctors tell us, usually, it’s fight, flight, or fright. Some of you are like,“Yeah, I’m afraid, so I’m going to fight and win!” Others of you, “I’m scared, and gonna run, avoid all potential conflict or failure.” Others of you, it’s fright. You’re just panicked. You don’t know what to do. You’re just stuck.

Fear in the mind leads to stress in the body. It’s why the number one category of prescription medication in the US is antidepressants. People are anxious. They’re stressed out. This is where you start getting the nervous eye twitch, the canker sore. This is where you can’t sleep. This is where you start having heart problems or stomach problems. This is where you start self-medicating with caffeine, junk food, energy drinks, gambling, sex, alcohol, whatever it might be.

How’s it going? Who are you afraid of? What are you afraid of? How are you responding? What are you doing? 

Fear is not to be accepted. Fear is not to be accommodated. Fear is not to be explained. Fear is a sin to be repented of. Fear of anything or anyone, other than God, is a sin to be repented of, because the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.=

Number one: Fear is an attempt at sovereignty. “I see and know all, and I’m freaked out.” You don’t see and know all.

Number two: Fear is vision without God. “I see the future. God’s not in it. God’s not for me. God’s not going to help me.”

Number three: Fear turns us into false prophets. “Oh, I’ve seen the future, and it’s horrendous.”

And number four: Fear preaches a false gospel. “Oh, there’s a hell out there: I’ll be single, I’ll be broke, I’ll be sick, I’ll be suffering, I’ll be struggling, all the things that John is enduring. So, there’s that hell, that functional, false, fearful hell, and then to get out of it, I need a false, functional savior. So, I need to hold onto my money. I need to control my life. I need to remove myself from community. I need to rebel against authority. I need to sin. I need to self-medicate. I need to self-justify. I need to turn Jesus into a therapist, so I can be glorified. And then I can live in this view of heaven before the resurrection, that I have in my imagination.”

And it’s all a false gospel. Heaven is out there. It’s the kingdom of God. It’s the resurrection of the dead. Between here and then is tribulation. And if you have a false view of hell and a false savior, you’ll end up saying and doing things whereby you’re worshiping someone or something to be your functional, false savior, deliverer, to make your future better, which just means you’re trying to be God! You’re trying to control the future, bless yourself, and create a heaven of comfort, convenience, that has no place for Christ, and it’s fear.

So, what do you think the number one command is in the whole Bible? “Fear not!” Roughly 150 times, it says, “Fear not.”

 Some occasions in scripture:

Adam in Genesis 3 says, “I was afraid.” And then what? God comes near. God comes to be with him in his fear.

Abraham in Genesis 15:1, God says, “Do not be afraid Abraham [or Abram] I am your shield.” “I’m here to protect you.”

We read of Isaac in Genesis 26:24. God says, “I am the God of your father Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you.”

God says to Jacob in Genesis 28:15, “I am with you.”

Moses was afraid in Exodus 33:14, and God says, quote, “My presence will go with you.”

Elijah is on a battlefield, a time to fear. God says to him in 2 Kings 1:15, “Do not be afraid.”

David says it well and legendary, Psalm 23:4, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear not, for thou art with me.”

King Jehoshaphat on the eve of war in 2 Chronicles 20:17, we read, “Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.”

Isaiah 41:14, “Do not be afraid,” God says, “you worm Jacob.” Any of you realize that a worm is not really a warrior kind of created thing? A worm doesn’t defend itself. “Do not be afraid, you worm Jacob, little Israel. Do not fear, for I myself will help you.”

Jeremiah 1:8, Jeremiah has got a hard life as a prophet. God says, “Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you.”

Daniel 10:12, “Do not be afraid, Daniel. I have come.”

Haggai 2:4–5, God says it three times. “Be strong! Be strong! Be strong, for I am with you, declares the Lord Almighty.”

And Jesus’ final words in Matthew 28:20, he says, “I am with you always to the very end of the age.” Don’t be afraid. Persevere in Jesus. Worship Jesus. Serve Jesus’ church. Give to Jesus’ church. Do not be afraid. You say, “Why? Because it’s all going to be fine?” I didn’t say that. “Because it’ll all get better?” I’m not promising that. Because Jesus is with you. And in that way, our life is not tribulation-free, but it is tribulation-proof.

 *Content in italicized from http://marshill.com/media/the-seven/a-message-to-seven-churches#transcript

A huge burp!

As I was sitting in my doctor's office this morning, I let out a huge burp. I mean, that no holding back loud kind of burp that there's just no way to politely release. Both of my doctor's and I started cracking up laughing. One replied, "that was awesome!" It felt pretty awesome too. Isn't it such a relieving feeling when you let out a nice burp?

That's the kind of relief I'm feeling right now, as I'm reminded that I don't have to carry the burden of this illness. Jesus has already done that!

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Mathew 11:30

My role is to accept it, seek Him fully, walk through it and watch in utter amazement as He uses it. After being treated for having a parasite, today, we found out that I have small intestinal bacterial overgrowth (SIBO) and inflammation. I've started some natural supplements to support and repair intestinal and pancreatic processes paired with probiotics. Additionally, I'm starting a three month antibiotic treatment to kill bacteria overgrowth. It's unknown what may have caused this. It could be as a result of the parasite. Or, it could have been the initial problem that made me an easy host of the parasite and prevented my body from fighting it on it's own. Either way, I'm accepting it and learning that healing is a process, sometimes a very looonng process. As I follow this treatment plan, I will have regular doctor's appointments and continued testing to rule out other things. I'm learning it's not always as simple as getting tests, a diagnosis and treatment. It's really one day, one step at a time. 

"I'm going to live for today. I'm going to follow in your ways. I'm going to let my little light shine like there's no tomorrow. I won't worry about the past. I know my future is intact. You told me not to worry about what lies ahead. So, I'm going to focus on today instead, making every moment count and counting every blessing" -Natalie Grant, Live For Today

For me, living for today starts with living a life of thankfulness. I'm going to start a "eucharisto" project inspired by the book One Thousand Gifts - A dare to live fully right where you are by Ann Voskamp. I'm going to share 1,000 "gifts" or things I'm thankful for by writing them out or by taking a photo. 

Next, living for today starts with remembering why I'm here...which Jesus makes pretty clear. Jesus came as my rescuer, took my place on the cross and died the painful death I should have died for my sins. Then, he rose, three days later, conquering sin and death and promised to give me the free gift of eternal life if I trust in Him.

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23

And, all I have to do is trust in Him? What kind of a love is this!? When I saw and understood the depth of my sin and trusted in Him, He gave me new life and saved me from the eternal wrath and torment I deserved. Such a selfless undeserved love is hard to comprehend or understand. But, I get to live my life out in response to this with thanks by being on mission for His Great Commission!

"And Jesus came and said to them, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Mathew 28:18-20

Take Heart!

After a puzzling conversation with the doctor this afternoon, I'm reminded to take heart, be strong and courageous!

When I received the parasite diagnosis, I was told several times that it might not be the core problem. The doctor's reasoning for this was that my body should have been able to fight the particular parasite I had on it's own. Also, it's easily transmitted to a host with an illness of some type. I accepted that but decided to take it one step at a time. After ten days of antibiotic treatment, my doctor pulled me off the medication as it was worsening symptoms and causing side effects.

Without the 2,500 mg of antibiotics circulating through my system, I'm feeling much better! Though still having symptoms, they are not magnified by medication.

Today, my GI doctor revisited the "I'm not confident that the parasite was/is the problem". He is referring me to see another specialist for second opinion and more testing. The next step is to look into the small intestine, which can be a complex process. Tomorrow, I will go to see my natropath/doctor in Mount Lake Terrace for another follow up.

Initially after talking to my GI doc, it felt like the entire process was starting over again. Rushing thoughts of fear and frustration came and went quickly. After a breath of fresh air and being honest with my friend Susie about those feelings, I held those thoughts captive and felt strongly that I was ready ... I'm ready to to fight whatever this is or put to rest whatever it was! Two verses immediately came to my mind:
John 16:33, "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." and, Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” 

Today, I'm going to take heart by enjoying today for today. I'm looking forward to going on a run when I get home from work tonight. I love running! Life is too fleeting to wait for the storm to pass. 

Thankful for a parasite??

I had no idea what people go through who are exposed to contamination and infectious disease until I experienced it myself.

Did you know that over a billion people worldwide don't have access to clean drinking water?  Approximately half of this vulnerable population is made up of children. This was the introduction to my 2010 support letter for a mission trip to Senegal, West Africa to help replace a failing water pump.

Monday, March 19, 2012, after two years of undiagnosed health complications, I received a call from my doctor diagnosing me with a parasite. This particular parasite is transmitted through contaminated food and water in underdeveloped areas. It is likely that I was infected on a mission trip to Senegal. 

I feel that it's important to note that people are infected with parasites all over the world. Some parasitic diseases can even happen in the United States. I hope that anyone reading this will not fear traveling to other nations as infection and sickness can happen anywhere.

In 2011, four new fountains were input for the
Farar villagers from our fundraising project

We went on this vision mission to Senegal, West Africa to understand the need of Farar villagers. The need was to help these villagers with one of their most basic human needs: fresh water. We left with an understanding that led to a mission to raise funds that would add four fountains to serve the Farar village with drinking water. Understanding the need meant going to SEE. Today, I can FEEL the need with empathy having experienced to some degree the sickness of those infected with a parasite from contaminated food or water. I, however, have access to treatment. Many of those who are infected in undeveloped areas do not.

We all see the commercials and see the pictures asking us to donate to these highly affected areas. Often times, our response is one of the following: denial or desensitize by turning the channel so we don't have to face or feel the reality of their suffering. We much prefer to live in our insulated bubble. Our other response is it must be a scam, where's my money really going? Or, the one I most guilty of, this is such a huge and overwhelming problem, how is my $30 going to make a difference? I'm sharing my story with hope that you won't be paralyzed by these thoughts anymore and will see that anything can help! www.worldvision.org is a great resource to learn about the needs and how you can give. Visit The Clean Water Fund to donate $25.

For the past two years, off and on, especially over the last five months, I have been very sick. Multiple trips to the ER and a several trips to the doctors running test after test, from neurological, cardiac to digestive, trying to find the cause of all my sickening symptoms, showed us very little. All we knew was that I was malnourished, I had an occasional drop in my blood pressure and jump in my white blood cell count. You can see a list with some of my symptoms in the below post titled "trust me". It's been a journey. On Monday, when I got the call with a diagnosis of a parasite, I was relieved. In fact, I repeatedly thanked the doctor. Then, when I got off the phone "thank you, Jesus, thank you, Jesus, thank you, Jesus!"

A couple doctors have told me that they are not entirely confident that this is all that's going on because a lot of times these parasites are hosted in an already weakened system or they can be the cause other issues. But, I'm hopeful that this is it.

Though this treatment is intense with over 2,500 mg of antibiotics per day that are making me feel very sick, I'm thankful. I'm thankful that I have access to this treatment. I can't imagine what it's like for those who are infected and do not have the resources they need for healing. Yesterday, I received an IV to start replenishing all the vitamins and nutrients I've lost from this parasite. Because my body has gone without this nourishment for so long, it was a system overload. Additionally, the parasite is releasing toxins into me that are also making me feel very ill. 

Despite all of this, in a weird way, I'm thankful for this parasite. This illness has helped shaped who I am today. I would never have the empathy I do today for underdeveloped areas highly affected by infectious disease. I'm excited to see how God wants to use this empathy to help others. Through this process, I've learned that joy is possible in the midst of suffering through thanksgiving. I've learned how important it is to not get bound in fear. I've learned that doctors are humans, not saviors. I made an idol out of my doctors. I kept relying on my doctors to give me an answer, that would give me rest. My trust in Jesus wasn't enough. When doctors couldn't give me a diagnosis my thought was "I knew I couldn't trust them". I went into all of this with a deep rooted distrust of doctors. I had to ask forgiveness for this yesterday from my doctor. At the same time, she asked me for forgiveness as they did not find this sooner and did not know what to do with me. I've learned how to ask for help. And, I've been reminded of how important it is to not suppress things, but to peel back the mask and get real. Sometimes, this sickness really sucks. When people ask how I'm doing, my first instinct is to put on a happy face and blurt out some hyper-spiritual remark like "God has a plan". That's true and all, but sometimes it just hurts. Sometimes, we have to let people in on our sufferings by being real and asking for help.

Here I am back to my favorite verse: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.

Finding peace with no diagnosis

Test after test after test and still no answer. I have been tested for everything from Crohn's Disease or Ulcerative Colitis to an auto immune deficiency, epilepsy, tumors, abnormal cardiac rhythm disturbances, to a form of cancer and now, parasites.

Some days, I feel fine (maybe the normal I've come to know) and others I'm swarmed with symptoms that feel debilitating and defeating. As of lately, these symptoms consist of shooting abdominal pains, weakness, dehydration, digestive issues, cramping and frequent belching, tension headaches, fatigue, malnutrition and occasional neurological symptoms. 

When these symptoms go on for days or weeks at a time, my mind starts to wander and I search for peace in finding a diagnosis. There is truth in what Ann Voskamp says in One Thousand Gifts "When you don't have the name for something, you're haunted by the shadows. But, when God names something, He gives value to it."

It's not wrong to want a name or to be an advocate for my health, but it is wrong when I can't find peace with where God has me and search for the answer to give me peace. I said before that I sometimes feel defeated. The defeat isn't in the illness. The defeat is letting Satan into my thoughts and paralyze me from using my current circumstance to serve and advance the Gospel of Jesus. Jesus has already tasted the defeat and won the battle for me.

When the anxiousness of the unknown rises, I need to remember what James 1:2-3 says, "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

The bible is FULL of verses about suffering to the glory of God. In fact, scripture guarantees that we WILL suffer. The question is do we suffer well? Unfortunately, too often when trials come, I forget to turn to Jesus for comfort and truth resulting in joy. Instead, when they've gone on for what I feel like is too long, I get anxious and search for the way out. 

While doctors are doing their job, I need to do mine by spending more time in the Word and protecting my thoughts.

As 1 Peter 4:12-13 says, "Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed."