Decisions, decisions, decisions

 This way. that way. did I choose the right way?

^"And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."-Isaiah 30:21

Is it really that simple?

You might-like me-think you've gone deaf because you can't hear "this is the way". If we're not staying close enough to our Father's voice, we might not hear it.

Today, I turned to a sticky not I've had on my desk for over a year and there it is...

Jesus voice is in His word. And in His word it says to commit whatever I do to the Lord, and my plans will succeed.

Phew. ok. so, it's not about making a "right" or "wrong" decision.  The question is where is my heart? Am I committing my ways to the Lord? Am I relying on Him or turning to comfort?

In a season of some big decision making, Jesus met me through one of my favorite author's, Ann Voskamp's, blog, a Holy Experience (http://www.aholyexperience.com). Below is some of the text that really spoke to me quoted from her blog.


Am I making any of the right decisions?
I’ve never been here before — so how do I know the way?

You’ve only got one blink of a life to make count for eternity.

It’s only your own sacrifices that show up at your funeral.

Am I making any of the right ones?
When are your sacrifices really just about lining your own nest? What road, what career, what part of the world and is it okay to stay here or is it okay to go and is that even the right question?--
Will I someday be standing with scars to give account before Him that I wasn’t about my own comfort but Christ’s call, that I didn’t make my life about safe living but about dangerous dying, that I didn’t escape into a neat, saved American dream but into a messy, mission-driven God-sized demand.

"Your Dad will call you– and if you can’t hear him? You’re not where you are meant to be.“ Your Father calls you.
And if you can’t hear Him?
Am I making the right decisions?

We want clarity — and God gives a call. We want a road map — and God gives a relationship. We want answers — and God gives His hand.

The whole room, it’s still quiet and holy full and God singularly calls you and a call from God is about relationship and a call is something one keeps listening for — come this way, come to the land I will show you. God didn’t give Abraham a map — He gave Abraham a relationship. He doesn’t want you to lean on a guidebook. God wants you to lean on the Guide — who speaks to you through His Book. Why would God give a map — when He wants to give you Himself?

A career is about the guidebook and a calling is about leaning on the Guide who speaks to you through His Book. A career is about making a plan and a calling is about trusting a Person who changes the plan.  Grace, that careers can fall way to callings.

The call that thing one keeps listening for and the heart of faith is the ear.
This is the way for you — not her way, not their way — but My Way for You.  
I have to stay close enough to the Word to hear my Father’s voice.

Drop the but & get real.

Internalizing hardship will break you. 

We all face trials. But, how do we face them? Do we cover them up? Do we get religious?

I have a confession to make - I've done both. I didn't realize the religious one until last Sunday when our pastor taught on Esther 4. It hit me - I've been religious by trying to add a "but" line of encouragement when someone asks how are you feeling? 

(  ): How are you feeling since the gall bladder surgery? 
Me: Today was a challenging day, but, I know Jesus is using it to teach me perseverance.

Do you see how I use that but line to avoid getting to deep or burdening the person with to much information and to leave the conversation on a good note?

I'm honest in my answer, BUT, there's always a but line, where I have to had something uplifting. Sometimes, it's ok not to have the but line. Sometimes, it's just a hard day, and that's ok. 

Jesus had a 'but line'. It wasn't a religious but of "how can I leave this on a positive note and not burden this person" or "how can I keep this at a surface level without going to deep". It was a sorrowful and submissive prayer to the father BUT, AS YOU WILL. Period. 

Mathew 26:28 says that Jesus told his disciples that his soul was very sorrowful, even to death. Then, He fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will but as you will."  

I need to learn from Jesus...
He got REAL with His disciples.
He cried out to His Father in prayer.
He accepted the Father's will for Him. 

The but is to acknowledge that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. 

Oh, how I've miss used the but.

My heart is genuine. I really am thankful. I want to give praise to Jesus. And, I really do feel that I don't have grounds to complain when I have so much to be thankful for. 

The problem is - sometimes, we (I) just need to get real. All the way real. Just like Jesus did. Otherwise, we don't let people in, we internalize the hardship and miss out on authentic relationships.

I've relearned this so many times. Like, last night, when I cried to my husband about how frustrating it can be to wake up with random symptoms not knowing what's going on in my body or why. Is it things working their way out from the chronically infected gallbladder or is it something else? WHY??? I think I'm better. I feel great. Then, all of a sudden out of nowhere, bam, a kidney stone, or stomach pains, a swollen lymph node, or, or, or. And, sometimes, It drives me crazy to tell people. Because I'm prideful and I don't want to be that girl who talks about health complications. I want to be the uplifting and encouraging one. Reality check-it's not about me. 

In Esther 4: 2, it says "He (Mordecai) went up to the entrance of the king’s gate, for no one was allowed to enter the king’s gate clothed in sackcloth.” You can’t be sad before the king. The king only wants good news, not bad news. “Tell me all the victories, not the defeats.”

Don't we do that? I do. Sometimes, I just want to share the victories. If we're only sharing the victories, we're missing the point...
"Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." -Mathew 10:38-39

It was so refreshing to be real with Garrett about these feelings, pray together and genuinely land at not my will, Jesus, but yours.

There is more joy is saying "not my Will but yours" than understanding the Why because it acknowldeges that God is sovereign and I'm not in control.

So, here's my challenge for you-

Try it. Next time someone asks "How are you doing?", give them a REAL answer. Ok, maybe not the grocery store clerk, I don't think they or the people waiting in line really want to know, haha.

It's interesting, people don't expect a real answer. As Pastor Mark Driscol so aptly stated:

In the west, particularly men, we don’t grieve well. Right? We don’t. In the Bible, it’s a more eastern than a western culture, particularly in the Old Testament. When something bad happens, they let you know, right? They change their clothes, they put ashes on their head, they go out in public, they scream, and cry, and wail. The Psalms, the majority of which are psalms of lament, are words of song and prayer for God’s people to express their grief, and their sadness, and their hardship.
 
We don’t do that, right? I mean, here’s how we do it in the west: “How are you?” “Fine. How are you?” “Fine.” “We’re both fine. Great. Have a nice life.” And then we each go a separate direction. Meanwhile, he’s getting divorced and she’s got cancer, and they’re “fine.” They’re not fine.

Let's get real. Let's have authentic relationships. Who are those people that you have in your life that you can have authentic and honest conversations with? Who are those people that when you give a surface answer, they love you enough to dig a little deeper?

Then, let our only buts be "but as you will".

A cool conversation with a man named Charles

Charles, a man in his 80s patiently walks along side his wife, Etsuko, of over 50 years, who suffers with Alzheimer's Disease and Dementia. One minute she is fine, the next she yells or wanders aimlessly out of confusion and he takes her hand and calms her down. He takes multiple trips to and from the car to secure his wife into a senior day care three times a week, where she can have a healthy meal, interact with other seniors suffering with Alzheimer's or Dementia, play games, therapeutic exercises, sing etc. While this day care is a good break for the caregivers or husbands, this man never leaves His wife's side! He is right along side her singing and coloring.

What a sweet picture of devotion!?

I have had the privilege of witnessing this in my two years of working at KWA. About a year ago, I started a conversation with this couple after interviewing them for a series of articles I was working on.

One time, Charles came up to my office looking for where he can find diapers for his wife. At that time, he said to me, "I don't know how, if there's a God, he could allow this kind of pain. It's just terrible to watch a beautiful, smart, strong woman fade to this."

Today (about 9 months later), I was sitting in my car on my lunch break reading a book called Disciple. I was feeling a little sick and trying to rejuvenate. I saw Charles walk by and felt the holy spirit lead me to say hi. I felt a little awkward rolling down my car window and yelling out "HI". I had no idea where this was going. But, Jesus did. 

I asked how him and his wife were doing. He told me Etsuko, his wife of 52 years had recently passed away. The sorrow in that man's eyes was heart wrenching. 

I listened as he shared the story. I can hardly recap this Charles's words of love and  to his devotion to his wife. This man's world, his partner, everything he has known, his reason for living, everything he has loved is gone. If this is all there is, we are just left with devastation...

Is this world IT, is it ALL there is?

Over about 45 minutes, there were three questions that framed our conversation.

1. What do have hope in? Charles said he would like to believe he could see his wife again but doesn't think that's possible.
2. Do you believe in God? Charles said it's hard to believe because there's no proof. He pointed up to the sky. I asked, what do you believe about God? He said he doesn't know because there's not enough facts and we can't see. Then, I was able to share with him the story of creation and Jesus dying on the cross, taking on the wrath of God that we deserved for our sins and giving us the gift of eternal life if we trust in Him. I talked to him about the proof in history and the bible. His heart softened, he was intrigued and said he needed to do his research. He shared that it's just so hard to believe because all the trouble you see in the world. 
3. Have you ever thought that we're responsible for the evil? We talked about the fall of man from our first parent's decision to disobey God when they were deceived by Satan. We talked about why we live in a fallen world, where people do evil things and that we're all sinful. Charles was wresting with all the terrible things that happen to innocent people, especially women and children. We talked about how it's hard to comprehend that stuff. Like, why wouldn't God rescue us from this? Which brought up, again, that Jesus did rescue us and gave those who trust in Him new life. But, we still live in a fallen world. Satan is real. And, people make evil sinful choices. We talked about the hope of heaven and that Jesus is coming again.
4. I asked him if I could share my story with Him. As I shared my testimony of how I started a relationship with Jesus three years ago and why I believe in Him, I told Charles that I remember as a child going through hard times and crying out, how could there be a God if He would allow this? I could relate to Charles earlier questions in that way. I explained to Charles that I've learned that Jesus was always there, I was just "blind" and couldn't see Him. I could only see the hurt and pain. I told Charles that it's been through the biggest trials of my life like my mom dying and me experiencing health complications, that I've grown deeper in my faith and my relationship with Jesus, because now I see beyond the hurt and pain. I was honest with Charles that I really miss my Mom, but I know she is with Jesus, I have hope in heaven and I'm thankful for the way Jesus has used those trials to help me grow deeper in my faith and relationship with Him.  

Did I mention that Charles has a hard time hearing? So, I was literally yelling out the Gospel in the middle of the parking lot, HAHA. I'm sure I looked like a complete freak:).

Charles said, "You are genuine, honest and you make me want to learn more". His eyes lit up and he continued that he is going going to do some reading and think about all the hard questions until we talk again. We said goodbye. I remembered that I had given a little booklet titled Who is God? to a co-worker. I ran up and asked if she was finished. Then, I passed it on to Charles. 

I'm praying for Charles to trust in Jesus. That's what we live for!

Be Content

Be content in all circumstances. 

Ok, that's easy enough. Not. Going on nine months of being sick, and the "be content" thing can get pretty challenging. But, thankfully it's not for Jesus. And, by His Grace He is continually reminding me and empowering me to be content in ALL circumstances. 

One way He reminds me of this is through Paul. Paul says,

"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:11-12

Be content in whatever situation, whether hunger, plenty or need. How can this be done? Only through Christ.

After a refreshing conversation with my great friend Kalle Wagner, who has had health complications, I was reminded again to be content. Kalle shared with me a good word that someone shared with her. She said instead of trying to figure it all out and fix everything, what would it look like to just accept them and live? 

Profound. 

What a freedom there is in that? Accept my circumstances and live. (Sigh of relief) I guess it's time to let myself in on a little secret, I cannot fix this. It is not up to me. It may never be "fixed". And, that's OK. To try and figure it out and be anxious about it is wasted energy. Philippians 4:6 says do not be anxious about ANYTHING. Nada, zilch, zero. 

So, what was my first response when I got a call from my doctor this afternoon telling me that to try and treat my non-functioning gall bladder, they are putting me on a one month treatment and if it doesn't work, they are going to surgically remove the gall bladder, which gives me a 60/40 chance of getting better? Hm, well, I got a little anxious at first. But, after remembering to abide in Jesus, I'm actually feeling thankful. I'm thankful to know that God is sovereign over all. I'm thankful that my doctors are giving everything a chance before pulling out my organ. And, I'm thankful that Jesus is teaching me how to be content in all circumstances and that I can do ALL things through Him who strengthens me.

Sorrowful, meet rejoicing

What trial are you in right now and how do you feel about it? 

This was such a refreshing question I came upon this morning as I was listening to a sermon called "trial and Jesus" from Spring of 2009 by Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church. "Give yourself permission to feel," Pastor Driscoll, said.  This was a good reminder for me. I'm one who will hide behind scripture like fig leaves, as Adam and Eve did. That can easily become denial and lead to a fake face. Rejoicing doesn't mean not feeling. As the below scripture indicates, when you're in trial, it's OK to grieve. I have to remind myself of this.

"In this you REJOICE, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been GRIEVED by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." -1 Peter 1:6-7.

So, grieving but rejoicing, how does that work?

Shortly after my mom died in 2010, I kept coming across the verse "as sorrowful, yet, always rejoicing" -2 Corinthians 6:10. I remember really wrestling with this, how can be sorrowful AND rejoice? It felt like some days were filled with just sorrow and others, just rejoicing. I couldn't find the balance and relationship between the two. Sorrow and rejoice were separate for me. Yet, scripture describes them in relationship with each other "sorrowful, yet ALWAYS rejoicing". Overtime, as I allowed these two to separate more and more, I found myself either not thinking about my mom or, focusing just on good memories and when I started to feel sorrow, I would try to escape it with the memories or hide behind scripture to avoid feeling the sorrow. I was seeking to rejoice in circumstances, rather than in God.

And, now, we meet again. Good ol sorrow and rejoice. 

Two years later and I'm still wresting with sorrowful and rejoicing. But, the more unpack it, the more I find peace in my circumstances by rejoicing in God.

Life is full of trial and it's OK to be grieved. "Jesus doesn't fix everything but he walks with us through it, said Driscoll." Also, it's important to remember we have a God who knows, understands and has felt our trials.

In walking through this health trial, sometimes I find myself doing the same thing I did with grieving. The danger in separating sorrowful and rejoicing is first, denial, second, not being honest or letting people in on our suffering, third, turning a trial into self pity instead of a time to rejoice or fourth, a temporary rejoicing in circumstances. Let me unpack this. 

Give yourself permission to feel. Any numbing agent will eventually wear off. The mask won't fit forever. Be authentic. Ask yourself, how do I feel about this current trial? Be honest with your community and let people in to walk through it with you. Remember that without rejoicing, sorrow, becomes self pity. Don't seek to just rejoice in the circumstance. For example, It's not bad to rejoice in good days when I don't feel sick, I should rejoice in that. It's not bad to rejoice in good memories with my mom. I should also rejoice in that as well. But, the everlasting kind of rejoicing where it can meet sorrow right in the middle is rejoicing in Jesus, rejoicing in heaven, rejoicing in Hope, rejoicing that it was finished on the cross, rejoicing that though we are tested by fire, our faith is being refined as more precious than gold. 

REJOICE, not in circumstance, REJOICE in Jesus. That is where sorrow and rejoice meet. 

As Paul says in the above verse, "You have been grieved by various trials". So, grieved is how we feel, so what do we DO? "In this you rejoice," But, how? 

With praise, glory, honor, rejoice with joy (not faking, avoiding, escaping or pretending), not in your circumstances but rejoice in God because that which is most important to you has been given to you as a gift.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 6:23.

But, why do we rejoice, even in trial?

1. because God's mercy. 
2. because we've been born again and given new life.
3. for a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ.
4. because we have an inheritance that is nonperishable, unfailing and undefiled. If you respond rightly in trial, you are storing up treasures in heaven. 
5. because home is kept in heaven. And, our Salvation is secured and guarded by God. 
6. because our trial is just for "little while".  
7. because trial purifies our faith. Like gold, when heated impurities rise to the top which purifies and refines the gold. Sanctification is what happens after the heat of trial exposes the impurity of our life to make our faith more precious and more pure.

Rejoice in the results of the trial. 

 

Some material from: http://marshill.com/media/trial/trial-and-jesus#scripture

Praise and Prayer

A few weeks ago my husband asked me, "what is your dream day"? I love questions like this.

Without planning or really realizing that we were creating this day, this past weekend, we had a dream day! On Saturday morning, we let our bodies naturally wake up. Okay, Okay, I let my body naturally wake up the the glare of the beautiful sun in our window and then eagerly woke my husband like it was Christmas morning. If I would have let the boy sleep, he would have the entire day:). 

We enjoyed a restful morning in our new home with our favorite Sleeping Monk coffee and playing with our dog in the yard. Then, got ready for a little adventure. We packed up bikes and headed up to Woodenville Wine Country, where we did wine tasting, sat on the lawn for lunch and went bike riding along the river. I see why we used to ride bikes so much as kids. Why did we ever stop? We had such a great time and laughed, a lot! We polished the day by making a great meal with crab legs, fish, sweet potatoes, zucchini and corn on the cob.

All together, from start to finish, it was an awesome day! I felt so blessed to have this time with my husband.

It felt like the Lord new we needed that day and gave it to us as a gift. In our season of engagement, a wise pastor advised Garrett and I to commit to the first year of our marriage as our ministry and to really spend time investing in each other with face to face time. Of course, He acknowledged that this is a lifelong thing but very important focus to have in our first year building the groundwork for our ministry of marriage. We are continually learning more about what this looks like to balance time with the Lord, each other, our community, our families, in service and work. 

My praise is for great time with my husband and Jesus meeting us right where we are, "For such a time as this..."

My prayer is for our eyes to remain steadfastly to Christ and our ears to listen to Him as we endure health trials. This week I had an endoscopy. The doc took some biopsies but at first sight, everything in the stomach looked good. Next week, I'll have a HIDA test to look at my gallbladder. The location of the right side abdominal pain paired with movement of sharp pains to the lower back and upper shoulder blade, nauseousness, an elevated liver count and digestive complications has the doctor concerned about the gallbladder. 

"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your teacher." Isaiah 30:20

In sickness and in health

A wedding vow we've all come to know. But, how do we respond when our spouse gets ill?

Just a few months into being married, I started experiencing health complications that have continued now for seven months. Through this, I've come to realize more about Jesus and more about the awesome husband He has given me. 

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance" James 1:2-3  

 

I'm so grateful for Garrett's selfless support, sacrificial love, understanding, grace, forgiveness and sensitivity that model Jesus and lead me to praise. Not that I idolize my husband, but I'm so thankful for Him.

We are both continually learning about what it means to love well in sickness and in health. I'm learning how to be vulnerable with Garrett and honest in my weakness, and together we are learning to rely on Jesus as our sole provider, healer and comforter, but allow Him to love us through each other.

"For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison"-2 Corinthians 4:17.

Though my husband and our marriage makes me VERY happy, I love what Gary Thomas writes in Sacred Marriage, "What if God made marriage to make us more holy than happy?"

Through this season of trials, we are learning,

• To live each day with complete reliance on the Lord, trusting in Him to direct our steps. 
• To live in unity with one another.
• To embrace sacred moments and laugh a lot.
• To be honest in our suffering. 
• To appreciate our differences. 
• Not to fear. 
• To serve one another. 
• To accept our circumstances. 
• How God loves us through community. 
• To pray, A lot.

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God."- 1 Peter 4:1-2